Ep 06 | Your Passions Are an Act of Resilience
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[00:00:00]
cynthia_gutierrez: Yay. Welcome to another episode of the Spiritually Embodied Leader Podcast. [00:01:00] I am feeling super, like jazzed and bubbly and excited because, um, mostly because I just got back or just got out of a different podcast episode where I was a guest on, and it's just like I freaking love podcasting. It's so exciting and so cool to get to talk about all sorts of interesting conversations and topics with other people and yeah.
It just, it feels so cool to be able to be a part of this podcasting ocean with all these other people and it's just, it's very exciting and something has been on my heart that I'm just like, dude, I need to talk about this. It came really loud and clear over the weekend when I got to go to this dance show, and I'm going to be going into the details of that, but it's been interesting to notice how I, it's like, okay, there's something that's like, I'm getting an inkling to talk about something or do something, show up in a particular way, and I'm just like, okay. Like, but [00:02:00] like how and when and why and like, it's just interesting to see the snowball of like, Hey, hey, it kind of reminds me of, you know, kids who might be like, Hey, mom.
Hey, mom. Mommy ahma. Ma . I feel like my intuition is like that, where it's just like, mom, hey, like this thing. It's, you know, talk about it. It's time to do it now. Hello. Okay, come on. And I think part of the reason why I've been hesitating and like not too sure, because there are certain things that I kind of get uncomfortable or don't feel ready to talk about when I feel like I haven't fully embodied something. Um, or like I'm not. Like, I've fallen or like I've veered off that path.
And even though I'm like getting back on it that like, oh, I'm not in a place to like talk about it yet, or something. I don't know. There's this weird story that goes on in my mind that kind of holds me back from certain things. And even though like to [00:03:00] be transparent, like I am not dancing nearly as much as I used to and, um, it like I have a complete.
I don't wanna say completely, but I just, my relationship with dance and movement has shifted and changed and I feel like the purpose of it has also shifted and changed from when I was in college doing it to now as a mom and all of this, it's like, I have been kind of holding myself back on sharing this particular message for this reason.
But honestly it's obvious now, especially over the, since this past weekend that it's really important to talk about this and so may this also inspire me to really just like dive head first into this practice in terms of like creative practice. Because I know dance was a really big, medium as like this big ship in my life that carried me through so much and so many like rough seas and all of this, and also beautiful [00:04:00] sunsets of life.
And I just feel like dance was the creative medium that helped me through so much in life. And now that I am exploring different things like drumming and singing and playing with my voice, and also, you know, being a podcast host, just like, getting comfortable with my voice and all of this.
I'm not only turning to dance to help meet those kinds of needs. But I'm also turning to other creative arts that, can also meet those needs and other needs that maybe dance can't meet, you know what I mean? But overall, it's the creative arts and also not just the creative arts, but passions in general.
It's just, it just so happens that creative arts, like dancing and singing and drumming, you know, music, all of that. It just so happens that those type of creative artists is what really lights me up. It really is what brings so much aliveness to myself and my life and my relationships and all of this.
So yeah, going back to the [00:05:00] weekend, an old professor of mine had started, uh, she's now directing a dance company. And some of the dancers are international, like some of them live down Tijuana, Mexico, which is like right across the border from where I'm at. I'm in San Diego, California. Um, and then I think there's another dancer that's like overseas.
I forgot exactly what country she's from, but yeah. And then there's two dancers that live here in San Diego. Um, so they've been getting together and they decided to put on this dance performance. And it's so interesting to notice the things that I like really, really want to experience where I'm like, dude, I gotta be there.
I gotta do this thing. Like I have this intention to experience this and it's so interesting to see the, um, the sudden shifts and changes in my schedule, the seemingly obstacles that come up in my life. Oh, all of a sudden my partner's unavailable and this and that. [00:06:00] Um, and so I really had to go outta my way to like, make sure I made it to this dance performance.
And I just knew, I'm like, dude, I need to be there. Um, so even with two babysitters, that help us like every week. And Cody's mom is here. My mother in love as I like to call her. Cody and I are not like legally married, but like we are very much like in deep commitment to each other. And so like, she's not my mother-in-law because we didn't get the law involved, right?
Like, we're not legally married, but love is surely binding us together. So she's my mother in love, even with her being here, even with all this support, like things came up, my, my partner's schedule changed and all of this. And like I even had them change their plans a little bit, their dinner plans, um, so that I can make it out to this performance.
I initially was going to take my daughter with me, yet other things came up too. And [00:07:00] so anyway. Yes, lots of plans changed and I made my way out and I got to actually be there and I'm so glad because it just reminded me, it reminded me why I love dance so much.
So, yes. That night I make it out to the university and I go out to the show and when I walk in, they're doing this practice and it's like, this is, I'm like, God, this is why I loved that school so freaking much. Cuz they really, it's a very post-modern school, okay. A very contemporary school, very experimental, and they love just like pushing the boundaries and doing things that are out of the realm of the status quo.
So anyway. I walk into the studio theater. And I see that mostly everyone from the audience is out on stage and everyone's spread out throughout the, the area. And my old professor starts leading us into [00:08:00] this like grounding, embodiment practice to connect with ourselves, connect with the environment, connect with everybody in the space and all of that.
Um, and then eventually she leads us into like a partnered dance where we're like, at the tips of our finger, like finger to finger with this other person. And there's a leader, follower, um experiment going on. And like we switch roles and then they're like, we share the same role. There is no leader, there is no follower.
Or what if you are both? And like, how do you navigate that? And all of this. Um, and I even got to dance with, with a different professor of mine, which was so cool. I was just like, oh my God, you're participating? Awesome! Like, let's do this thing together. And so that was really cool to reconnect with him.
And, um, so we have this experience and the, the whole thing is about like 20 minutes, and then she slowly starts to guide us. You know, like you can eventually, when you both are ready, can make it back into the, you know, the seats, the chairs, to sit down the audience [00:09:00] member to watch the show.
But there's, it's like seamless, you know what I mean? Like there is no beginning, there's no end. We're just transitioning. And so some people are in their seats, some audience are still dancing on stage, and then some of the actual performers are like, kind of ready, kind of not like some of them are in position and or some of them are already dancing, even though there's audience members on the stage and it's just like, God, I just love it,
And so there's this transition that happens. And then the dance has already begun. Um, and so, you know, I'm just like sitting there laughing sometimes, almost crying, sometimes. All this nostalgia is coming through and just like being in awe of this, this performance was probably like an hour long.
And so anyway, they have this whole dance perform. And then they invite us after the show to come back out on stage. They bring a bunch of extra chairs to circle around so that we can have like a q and a session, right? And [00:10:00] get more of an in-depth conversation as either for the dance itself, for the company itself or whatever it is.
And so, just as that ends and we're transitioning into that, I see a different professor of mine. I'm just like, hi. And so we connect and we just chat briefly and then we all take our seats and, um, We start, I didn't ask any questions, but it was so cool to just take in the answers of the dancers because there was some questions about how they navigate a particular score, meaning, so something that I learned in that school was the practice of kind of dancing within a question. So there's this inquiry practice happening where there's, there's a, a question and we allow the, our body to quote unquote answer the question. Yeah. It's like we're experimenting, we're living into the question, and we're [00:11:00] allowing the body and the dance to emerge, with the guidance of that question.
And so that was part of their dance. I don't know if it was the entire dance, um, but yeah. Having someone ask about that and it was a question that was kind of a paradox, . And so there's just like, do you ever get to an answer or like, how do you know, not that they were done, but it was just like so interesting to hear, like, how did you navigate that?
And just to hear them answer it helped me kind of reflect back on my experience within that, um, university because I remember practicing those kinds of questions and I used to overextend myself or over exaggerate the movement to try to exactly answer the question. And there was a moment where my professor was like, yeah, and we're just failing.[00:12:00]
Failing. Failing, failing, failing while simultaneously doing what we can to answer the question, even though who says, who knows what's right or wrong, you know, but it's just seeing what art, what, um, movement is birthed through that. Right? But it was just so cool to just like reflect back as to why I had a lot of conflicting emotions during those practices, cuz I was like afraid to fail.
You know, and it was just like I was. Trying to overprotect myself and make it seem like, oh, I'm the good student, right? Like, I, I know what I'm doing, and look at me do the thing that you asked me to do. And it was just like, oh, like I could see how I was trying so hard and I was so afraid of seeing myself get it wrong.
And over the years of studying in that school, like I slowly without even consciously being aware of it, I slowly was dismantling that, I guess it was somewhat of a [00:13:00] limiting belief, but it was like, this body set, you know, there's body like a mindset. Well, there's also a body set of how those kinds of beliefs or ways of beings can affect us.
And, you know, it may come out as a personality or a characteristic, but all of those things can shift and change, right? And so it was just so cool as to like, oh, like that's where I started from. Like, no wonder. I was having such a hard time at the beginning, and then over the years getting more comfortable and allowing myself to just not know, just be like, I don't know, but this is what's coming through right now and I'm okay with that.
And like, what else? And I just, that curiosity started to really set in. Um, so anyway, yeah, there was a lot of reflection during that experience of witnessing the performance and hearing in on the conversation. And then after I got to say thank you and give my professor, who was the director of the company, a hug, and [00:14:00] I'm just like, wow.
I'm just like reinspired all over again by dance, by that particular school and the people that are part of it and like that community. And I make my way back to the car and the moment that I get in the car and shut the door, I just start crying and crying and crying and I'm just like, oh my God.
I'm so grateful that I finally made it out to the performance and I got back in touch with dance and I'm just like, God, like I remember and now I know why dance meant so much to me, and it still does, even though it holds a different purpose in my life now. But regardless, there is a purpose for it in my life.
And it's those practices that I want to bring to life for people or bring back into their lives because there's a lot of things that we practice as a child, right, of like, pretending and acting or dancing or singing that we did as a child [00:15:00] or painting or whatever it was. Like, there's a reason that when we were so young that it just lit us up and brought so much joy into our life.
And it can be so easy to just lose sight of that and allow life and the mundane and responsibilities, parenthood to kind of derail us and just allow these things to be forgotten. And I think why I feel so called to share about this now is because even though I had like 20 years of dance training, right, it was that aliveness and the way that in which it filled me up, it kept me going back to it. There was a period after I graduated that I didn't dance.
Um, I did other things because I was a full-time college student and like I, and I worked two to three part-time jobs. Sometimes, like, I had very little extra time to do other things. So once I graduated, I did yoga teacher [00:16:00] training. I started doing like energy healing certifications and all this other stuff that I was like, oh, I can finally do all these things and travel and blah, blah, blah.
But once I became a mom, I feel like even when I became pregnant, I started doing yoga. It was like prenatal yoga, but slowly but surely, I started losing sight of my dance practice and losing sight of that connection with my body, even though. I felt very deeply connected with my body and my daughter who was growing in my body.
It was just like I'm shifting and changing into something that I have no idea what is to come, and it really scared me. And so I kind of had this, somewhat of an identity crisis that happened when I became pregnant. And I felt like I just kind of disconnected from a lot of the creative practices that I was involved in, mostly related to the body, whether it was yoga or dance, some kind of movement.
[00:17:00] I just really lost sight of that. And I still vividly remember, within that first year of motherhood of just completely letting it go. Letting go of the yoga, letting go of the dance, just letting everything go. And I felt like I let myself go as well in the way that like, I lost track of who I was.
Like I didn't really know who I was and if I let go of the identity of being a dancer, it was just like what the, why the fuck am I even, here like, what am I meant to do? And even though the only thing instinctively that I knew what to do was be mom. And that's all I had. I was just like, okay, like I'll just focus on this.
But I felt like I lost myself within that. And I think it really started to freak me out when I totally just accepted [00:18:00] the mom role. And I just was dedicated to only that, that I became really unsatisfied. I was just like, oh my God. Like I can't fucking do this every day, every moment of every day, all the time.
Like, I need to do something else, or else I'm gonna fucking lose it. And I did many, many, many, many, many, many times panic attacks like I was very depressed. I probably had postpartum depression, but like back then, I didn't talk to anyone about it. But, you know, Cody could tell you he remembers like me just like hyperventilating or just completely having a freak out moment, you know?
It was just really, troubling for me to be so unsatisfied and becoming resentful and just like, oh my God, I'm fucking pulling my hair out. Like I need to be some, someone else other than mom, right? Like, I don't wanna be this caretaker all the time and so right After Lily's first birthday, [00:19:00] I just had this really big desire to start my own business.
And it led me down to what Embodied Ritual is now today, and it's just, it's been really interesting to notice how dance keeps popping back into my life, like from from graduating college to today, seeing the various ways that I like let go of dance, completely surrendered it like try to forget about it literally. And then it reentering my life in various ways and just being like, uh, and then focusing on other things, um, and doing other certifications and this and that. Right?
It's so cool to see how, even though dance is not a part of my life in the way that it used to be, it's still very clear to me that it is part of my deeper purpose and I'm still figuring that out. But regardless, I know that when I dance and when I do these things that light me up cuz it's not just dance anymore.
That's, that's another cool thing is that I'm [00:20:00] really starting to play with like drum, like the frame drum and singing medicine songs like drumming and singing, music, like getting back in touch with the creative arts. Maybe that's painting for you, maybe that's acting for you, or comedy or something like that, like.
It might also not just be like performing arts. It could be arts and crafts or, you know what I mean? Like there is these practices that are a part of our lives that really light us up or bring peace within our lives. But it's, it's those practices that bring so much more aliveness and richness and fullness into our lives that I just want to remind us to remember.
I just want to encourage you to get back in touch with it. Yeah? Because even though it may not be related to business or your career or your job or parenting or whatever, like if you're having relationship issues, it may not be related to that, but there is a reason that there is [00:21:00] so much aliveness that comes through it for you.
And honestly, I have been kind of, uh, side eyeing myself in terms of this, like shadow work. It's very important, okay, before I move on any longer shadow work and just reprogramming my subconscious mind and healing myself has brought so much freedom into my life.
And at the same time, I want to say beware. Beware! Because sometimes when we're so deep down in that rabbit hole of shadow work and healing our traumas and taking a deep look into ourselves and like the things that may be holding us back in all of this. Sometimes we get so deep into that shadowy aspects of ourself that we lose sight of the bliss, we lose sight of the joy, we lose sight of the things [00:22:00] that bring so much life back into our lives.
And so I'm kind of playing with the idea of allowing these creative arts and these passion projects or whatever it is, these things that light you up. What if we allow those things to be part of the healing process?
What if it's those passionate practices and experiences that actually help us become more resilient? Yeah? It brightens us up. It makes us stronger. It keeps us connected to our higher selves and that, that deeper drive for life. And yeah, I just like, I'm just like, okay, I'm not gonna stop doing like the shadow work and taking a deep look into my subconscious and all of this, but also I'm just like, dude, what about celebration of life?!?
You know, what about like doing the things that really make us happy? Because even that can also take us so far! So, so, so, so far. That is [00:23:00] also another reason why I really wanted to bring this up, because look, I'm just noticing that the more that I'm I'm looking for my shadows and I don't wanna say what's wrong with me. I mean, it could feel that way, right? But just like trying to always find something to fix, I feel like it just begets more of that, right? It's like we, we have those goggles on and it's all we see, and so it's like, it's how I'm constantly relating to myself and the world, and if I continue to go down that path, that's all I'm really just manifesting more of into my life.
So I'm like, dude, I just, I just wanna be joyous. I just wanna be happy. I just wanna do things that light me up and make time and space for, for me to be my own person and have my own interest. Then I'm going to focus on the things that actually do that. Right? And the more that I do that, it's like I start to fill that well, and so I can then do both.
And it's beautiful because I feel like it broadens my capacity to actually go deeper in both of those [00:24:00] directions where I have that, that aliveness and the passion and that resiliency to be able to then go into deeper depths within myself and to do deeper healing in all of that, right?
But I, I gotta have, that brightness. I kind of think of it as like what's coming to my mind right now is this kind of a sphere where the bottom half of the sphere is like the underground, right? It's like the, the subterranean level and then like the shadow work. There's like the, yeah, it's just like the, the darkness
But then there's above ground and the grass and trees, and the sun and nature and the daylight. There's that beautiful contrast of the two. And I know that if I am spending way too much time in like the depth of the soil and the darkness and the cold, and it's just like, ah, like all I know and see is within that darkness. And I don't ever come up for that light, for that [00:25:00] rejuvenation and that upliftment and just living life to the fullest.
Like, that's when I know, I'm like, okay, I need, I need to take a break from down under . You know, like, like I need to pull myself out of those deep rabbit holes and just go live! And I, I feel like dance was part of that kind of pulling me out of those deep, dark rabbit holes in my life, at least through like childhood and adolescent years, all the way up until I, like, I became a mom. And so now I'm still kind of finding my way back in, like where, where, where do I go from here?
So yeah, I just, I felt really called to share this because, you know, even though like it may seem like, okay, like me doing a five, 10 minute dance in the living room may not be related to, you know, the, the issues I might have in my relationship or the parenting struggles that I'm experiencing, or feeling really down and out for a whole week or something like that.
Like, even [00:26:00] though it may not seem like directly related, to these situations, I know, and I've experienced it for myself, that when I do these, these things that light me up, whether it's drumming and singing or dancing or whatever it is, being out in nature, like it really does make an impact. It really does make a difference.
I feel like my cup is full and overflowing even. It's like, oh, I then become even more resourceful. I even open up to other solutions and all of these things that could also help.
And another thing that I really wanna say is like, see it for yourself. You know, like see it for yourself. Don't just take my word for it, see what getting back in touch with your passions and the things that light you up or something. Maybe it's something new and you're like, you know, I've actually been thinking about this thing and like, I've never done it before and I don't know why, um, it's coming up now, but like, I wanna do it.
Like, see for yourself what that does for [00:27:00] you. How does that feed you? Yeah? How does that meet your needs in ways that other things couldn't? Like what does that make possible for you? Let's go and find out.
And I'm just, I'm like really curious as to what that is for you. Like if you wanna pop into the DMs and let me know, that would be so cool. Like, what really lights you up? What are you passionate about? Or what's something that like, you're like, I don't know why I wanna do this thing all of a sudden, but like it's just coming up for me. Like, I would love to know what that is. Um, All right. Well, I hope this was helpful. Um, yeah, I felt like this, this topic has been on my heart so long and I felt like I, like let it bubble up so much that like, now that I've finally said something like I just like blah, like, I just kind of let it all spray out. Anyway, um, yes.
Thank you so much for tuning in, it's always such a pleasure to be able to do this with you. And if you'd like to connect some more, you can find me on [00:28:00] Instagram @embodiedritual um, of course, all the links. And things are in the show notes. And yeah, I hope you have a beautiful day.
All right, go have some fun. Go do something creative. Go light yourself up, get into your passions, and enjoy! Alright, bye!
