Ep05 | Out Of Self-Sabotage and Into Harmonious Partnership
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video2037225029: [00:00:00] Hello and welcome to another episode of the Spiritually Embodied Leader Podcast. I still have like, [00:01:00] such butterflies in my tummy. It's still very new. It's like that, you know, that new love that comes into life and we're just like, oh my God. It feels kind of like that. Um, and yeah, something came up. Like a week ago, and I just felt really called to share because it's so in alignment with what I was speaking about on the last episode.
Honestly, this feels kind of like a two-parter in a way. It's like the, the continuation of the last episode where I, you know, um, explained a lot about the Hierarchy of Change and, the way in which it helps us better understand how we are and who we're being and how to create change from a subconscious level in that subconscious perspective.
And even though this, what I wanna share today is not related to the subconscious, uh, directly, it does tie into why we fall off the horse, right? Why, like, it can be [00:02:00] so hard and so challenging to create change in our life. Whether it's like, you know, wanting to get fit or wanting to eat better, or wanting to welcome a new relationship into our life, or be a better parent, or, you know, it's like the list goes on and it's a beautiful thing.
Desires are amazing. And I think it's, it's worth living a life where you really open yourself to your desires and live life that you truly wish for and dream of. It's always so interesting to me how even for the things that like we believe are good for us, it can still be hard, right?
It's like it's still, it can still be a challenge and it's just like, oh, why is that? Why is it that things that I know that are good for me? And even when I like start to experience it and I'm just like, ah, yes. Like, this is what I want. We can still fall off the horse, right? And it's like, we can still get off track and it's just so, it's always just fascinated me.
And so when I started learning more about the subconscious mind and you know, things like this. I was just, I, I've [00:03:00] always became really intrigued as to why I am the way I am and, um, the, the mechanics behind our tendencies and habitual patterns and all of that. And so, um, there is something, it's more of like a perspective that I'd like to share with you.
And it just, it came up for me like a week ago and I was just like, wow, this is so related to that. And there was something that I did differently that maybe you're not familiar with, um, but I did a switch where there's this particular terminology that is pretty popular and it's, it's got like a negative connotation to it.
And even saying it, I'm just like, you know what? Like, it never really sat well with me. And it's just like, if I keep speaking to myself like this or perceiving myself like this, like. This, I feel like it doesn't really help, you know what I mean? Like it's more hurtful rather than helpful. And I always noticed it in my body.
I usually, I'm a very kinesthetic [00:04:00] person, um, with my dance background and like somatic education, literally studying it in university and like I pay a really close attention to my body and its cues and its signals and all of that. And so when I started, you know, catching onto this terminology, cuz it's said a lot, I just noticed how it didn't sit well with my body.
It was just like. It just, it It was almost like a sour taste in my mouth. And there's this like contracting, like smallifying feeling to it where I'm just like, uh, like, like a kid being punished or something like that, you know? And I'm just like, this doesn't feel good and it doesn't feel productive, you know, not that like I always have to be productive, but it's just, I feel like it was working against me.
I was working against myself. And that's essentially what that terminology is implying. And so I want to offer you a new terminology, a new phrase for you to use to see how you can relate to the situation [00:05:00] differently and treat yourself differently, yeah? That to me feels more encouraging. It feels more like, oh, like I wanna understand you better.
I feel like I have a better time listening to myself and when I better listen to myself, I'm like, okay, like how can I help? How can I, provide solutions for myself instead of just like focusing on the problem? And so, I wanna share with you the experience that came up and how I then applied this shift in perspective and how I'm gonna do things differently because I feel like that reflective piece of like, okay, what happened?
Why did this happen? And what's the data, right? What's the information? What's the lesson? What did I learn? How can I do things? Like, what do I really want? And if I don't want that and that didn't work, then what do I. and how, how do I wish for it to work? How would I rather experience that? And then how can I go about it differently and then actually apply it, right?
It's that integration piece. Put it into [00:06:00] practice because it's so common, you know? And hey, I freaking, that's why I started podcasts myself cuz I listen to podcasts all the time. I love educating myself on all sorts of things. Um, yet I notice where I'm just like, on this information binge and I'm just loading myself with information.
But it's like, okay, I know about it conceptually, but am I actually living it? Am I applying it into my everyday life? Yeah. How does this actually impact me on a personal, uh, subjective experience? Yeah. So, yes. Um, a week ago or let's say at the beginning of New Year's, okay. I wanted to do this practice.
It's called 40 Days of Devotion. Um, shout out to blue, blue of Earth on Instagram. Check her out, man, I freaking love her. Such deep love for blue. Um, she shared this devotional practice for 40 days. You are at your [00:07:00] altar, you know, or you take that time and space for yourself to give back to yourself.
And whether it's, you know, yoga or meditation or song or prayer or whatever it is, mantras like you do you in your sacred space for that sacred time, um, to fill your cup, right? And have that devotional practice. And of course, there, you know, she has a video on it where there's like, it's 40 minutes for 40 days and all of this like no technology, this and that and that. And so I was just like, okay, well one, she's not a mom. I always put an asterisk around the influencers and the people that I follow, right? And I like, really take in their word and like consider their perspective. And I wanna learn from people. I'm always like, okay, but are they parents?!
Like, Do they got that mom life? Because it's different like things. you know, not to say, not to say that because I'm a mom, I can't give myself 40 minutes of a devotional practice. That's not it at [00:08:00] all. It is possible if I really, really wanted to, I could wake up an hour earlier than I already do and make sure that I do the 40 minutes.
Yet when I look back on it, and this is how, like, especially since becoming a mom, I've really had to be like, okay, look what's actually gonna work for me, yeah? Like what is doable for me, where I'm not gonna stress myself out. Okay, and I really wanna put a little, like, highlight that bit cuz we're gonna come back to that.
So anyway, the devotional practice, I'm like, okay, look, I'm, I'm not gonna wake up early because if she says, you know, to do it first thing in the morning, right? Start your day with it. And while I'm like, like, I'm not gonna wake up an hour early. Because I, I, you know, when I wake up, I, I get my daughter ready for school and all of this, and she's gotta be that a certain time.
And she was five years old. So like, some mornings are unpredictable, you know what I mean? I'm just like, sometimes we're 30 minutes late and it's, oh, well I did my best and that's it. [00:09:00] Right. And that it's fine. So anyway, I'm just like, all right, well how can I make this work for me? So I already started to adapt and change the devotional practice to help suit my needs.
And so on New Year's Day, I started it and I probably got to like probably like day eight or nine, I think around day six I skipped a day for whatever reason, but the next day I was just like, oh, it's fine.
Like, I'm gonna get back to it. Not, it's not like I also don't wanna be this all or nothing. So I do my best to not be so neurotic about stuff like this, because even that couldn't be its own pattern and tendency where I'm just like, it has to be perfect and it has to be this way and it has to follow these guidelines and you know what I mean?
So I'm just like, okay, I've already started breaking that mold. And so, I skipped a day, but I got back in it for a couple more days and then I skipped another day. I'm like, all right, I'm gonna, you know, I'm back in my devotional practice the next day, but I wasn't, I didn't even get to 10 days.
Okay. And then I just let it go. [00:10:00] And I was just like, all right, all right, I'm gonna come back to that and reflect on it. And when I did, I realized, you know, and it's so interesting because even through those days, it was beautiful. And I was just like, wow, this is amazing. Like, why?! I already identify myself as like a spiritual person, right?
And I, like, I do healing sessions. I go to ceremonies, like, I love my alter. I have multiple altars in my house. You know what I mean? So it's like, what is it about myself... because in a, you know, according to the hierarchy of change that I talked about in the last episode, if you don't identify yourself as, let's say, a fit person as, um, a gentle parent or as someone that is in a relationship, right?
If you've been single in your re in your wanting to, find, you know, a partner in your life, like, it's so important to really get to that subconscious core aspect of yourself that identifies as someone, right? Because like for me, I'm a non-smoker. I identify as a non-smoker. So I [00:11:00] don't have ashtrays, right?
I don't have the tendencies to plan when I'm gonna go to the liquor store to get a pack of smokes, right? Or like, and that's the thing for people who identify as a smoker, they don't plan it out. It's just who they are. It's part of their routine. It becomes unconscious. It's an automatic thing for them to just go to the store and get a pack, right?
So, yeah, you know, the identity piece is very important. Yet even though I identify myself as a spiritual person that loves being at her altar, I'm like, why was this devotional practice a challenge for me?
video2037225029: You know what I mean? Um, and there could be a whole, I mean, when I was reflecting on it, I'm like, yeah, there's a whole list of things. But one thing that I wanna pay attention to is what happened in my body? What did I do in my body that made it seem like it was too much for me to handle, yeah?
Now, when I took the time to reflect back on what [00:12:00] had happened, I realized I was thinking about it in a way where I was like, gosh, why am I sabotaging myself? Like, I don't understand. Like, this is so a part of my, my being and my way of life. You know, it's literally around my environment. All of this. Like, what about it did I feel like I couldn't handle it and decided to sabotage myself? And the thing is, when I started looking at this in through the lens of self-sabotage, that is the term that I really wanna focus on in this episode because when I sit with the term self-sabotage there's a part of me that just feels like, it's like, it's kind of like this evil twin, you know what I mean?
And it's just like, yeah, I'm just gonna like mess up your shit and just like, fuck you over. You know? And it's just, it's really odd to try to relate to myself and perceive myself and look into myself with the [00:13:00] perspective of me sabotaging my own self. You know what I mean? And it just doesn't sit well with me.
It's uncomfortable. It's just like, Hey, you know what, like I, I even get defensive towards my own self , you know? And I'm just like, you know what? Like maybe I, I'm just misunderstood. Maybe Maybe I'm just misunderstanding my own self. And the more that I was just like "self sabotage", like this is so, it's just.
I've been on a healing journey for so long that I've paid so close attention to my self-talk that I'm like, I don't wish to speak to myself like that anymore, as if I'm just like degrading a child and punishing her for this behavior that I don't accept.
And I, I know this to be true, that it really doesn't, it's not helpful and it's more hurtful because I've recognized the times that I've actually done that to my own daughter. And it's just like, I can see her shrink, I [00:14:00] can see her get small, you know, there's shame, there's embarrassment, there's that apology.
And it's just like, ugh. Like I don't want her to learn her lessons that way, as if like she can't make a mistake and it's like really bad for her to make mistakes. You know what I mean? So I'm just like, okay, it doesn't work for my child. It sure as hell's not gonna work for me. And I can already tell that, like, speaking this kind of terminology to myself is making it harder. And it just doesn't feel good. It doesn't. So I then started getting curious and of course, um, the more that I started paying attention to my body and also being trauma informed and just, you know, fight or flight responses, all of this, I started noticing where I'm just like, what, if there was a part of me, even though I see myself as a very spiritual person, I have altars.
It's a common thing for me to be at my altar and give offerings and pray and all of this. Right? But like, what about it seemed [00:15:00] so, like, I don't know if I can do this! And it really came down to the 40 days and I was just like, wow. Like for some reason, 40 days just seemed so grandiose. And I was already just like, uh, I don't like 40 days.
Like, okay... Now consciously, when I was doing it, I was like, yeah, oh that sounds easy cuz like, you know, I'm already set up. I just sit at my, at my sacred seat. You know what I mean? So it seemed, it seemed okay at first, but if I would've slowed down enough and paid attention and took a moment to myself to be like, actually this feels hard and this feels too much, right? There's a guy that I follow called Luis Mojica, I believe, excuse me for not writing it down. Um, Luis Mojica of God. I can see his logo in my mind right now. It's like holistic navigation? excuse me for not writing it down, but I believe his name [00:16:00] is Lu Luis Mojica. And, uh, his work is very revolved around trauma.
And not to say like this was like a trauma response and all of this, but it's good to know the signs and signals of when our body goes into fight or flight when we get activated in our nervous system, right? And knowing ways how to help ourselves. So that we can regulate our nervous systems and then feel safe and calm and connected with ourselves to be able to have that harmonious relationship.
So he started sharing how, when we feel that like we cannot go on with something or there's this conflict that's going on, and of course I'm paraphrasing, um, but I've just, I've heard of him speak of it before and I'm like, oh yeah, that's the perfect way of putting it where if there's that like, ugh, like I don't wanna do this, or, um, I'm getting scared or I wanna flee, or like all of a sudden I get distracted or I'm back on the old habitual tendencies.
There is a part of us [00:17:00] that didn't have the capacity to shift and change towards the intention that we had and held for ourselves and even made an attempt to experience, right? So there is a part of our nervous system that doesn't have the capacity to grow and evolve in that direction in a, in this particular way.
And so when I started becoming more aware about what capacity I do and don't have, I started realizing how, oh, okay, I do know that the subconscious mind, is wired, it's made to protect ourselves at all costs. To help us survive. And so if there is any perceived threat in our environment or within ourselves in, in the way that we're, you know, receiving information and making sense of it within our body mind, then it will do whatever it needs to do in order to keep us safe and protect us. Yeah? So the new perspective that I want to [00:18:00] offer you to play with and just see how it feels in your body and how you relate to yourself and how maybe you can start to think of solutions or different ways of going about, um, what you want to experience your desires. All of this, is instead of viewing it as "self sabotage", you can view it as "overprotection", yeah? That your subconscious mind is wanting to keep you safe from, so it'll do all these things, right, to distract you or all of this. It's overprotecting you and it's really key to see that it's overprotection, it's too much because some protection is very necessary that it's so needed and critical, sometimes I feel like the fight or flight response get gets a bad rep because I'm like, dude, like, it's a very intelligent thing to have, it's hardwired into our being as humans. Um, it's one thing that we have in common with like all species on this earth. Yeah. [00:19:00] Um, yet there is the point where it's like, okay, it's, it's wreaking havoc.
There might be dysfunctions, right? And so if you notice yourself, you fall off the horse or like you get nervous or all of a sudden, like this, 40 days of devotion, I'm like, 40 days?! There's something about me that's overprotecting myself and being like, Hey, these spontaneous moments at the altar are fine, but 40 days in a row is too fucking much!
Right? And I can see, I can recognize that within myself and instead of being like, oh, there I go again, self sabotaging. I can be like, oh, there's a part of me that's overprotective right now. And I'm like, okay, if I'm overprotecting myself, like what is it that I feel afraid of? What is a perceived threat about this situation?
And then I can be like, okay, pause. Hold on. Like, okay, how can I help myself feel safe, feel connected, feel heard, right? And so [00:20:00] instead of having that moment of like rolling the eyes and being like, Ugh, I've had it with myself. I can be like, Hey, okay. I recognize, I acknowledge that I'm overprotecting myself right now, and that's okay.
I'm going to take a moment to connect with myself and be like, Hey, where is this coming from? What am I so afraid of? Why is this too much? It's either too much too soon or too fast. Or a combination of all three. And so I can really listen to myself and be like, what's going on here and how can I help?
How can I help myself feel safe? How can I help myself feel heard and connected? And so when I reflected on this whole situation of the 40 day practice. I was just like, okay, one the 40 days seemed too much. Right? And I can make all of these meanings out of it of like, oh my God, I don't have limited takes, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But that's not helpful either, right? It's like, that's not an empowering thing. I [00:21:00] wanna be in partnership with myself. I wanna support myself because you know what? Incremental changes is really where it's at. It's those 1% aligned actions that, you know, more consistently. I don't wanna say every single day all the time cuz even that can be a bit neurotic. Right? But like those one percenters, those 1% aligned actions more consistently or regularly, they compound over time. And that then starts to build the capacity more and more and more in a slower pace that our nervous system could actually digest. It can actually be like, oh, okay, like this part, okay, I can handle this.
Oh, this new thing. Okay, okay, now I'm getting more familiar. And it's like, yeah, adding ingredients one at a time. Yeah. And that's really, really helpful and a lot more kind I feel like to myself. And so if I can just come into partnership with my nervous system and with [00:22:00] this overprotection mechanism that we all have, then I can be like, okay, then what's doable?
How can I slow down? How can I be more kind to myself and support myself? You know what I mean? So then I was like, okay, how about I don't do 40 days? How about I do 10 days? That was kind of like I reflected back, I'm like, okay, like about the sixth, seventh day I skipped a day and I was just like, uh, how about I just bring down the bar a little bit and make it 10 days. And just do that and see how that goes. And if I'm just make it to eight or I make it to nine and I skip a day, it's like, oh, that's okay.
That's my capacity. That's my threshold. And so I can work with that. Oh, that it's okay. We'll just try again. Maybe take a week off, right? Because we like, sometimes I feel like if I try again back to back, to back to back and don't allow myself to have that reflective moment to be like, okay, that was a little too much.
Hold on. Take a breath. All right. How can I help myself? How can I help myself feel [00:23:00] better? Was there a lesson here that I can help integrate? Right? And it's like, okay, I think I'm ready. I think I'm good. I got what I needed. Now I can, um, try again. And so once I hit that 10 day mark, oh, I did the 10 days.
Cool. Maybe my new capacity can be at 15. Yeah? And so I can try again and have that, have that whole experience. Now another thing, side note, um, this isn't really in relation to like my personal experience of like my own capacity.
But there was something that I learned when I reflected on that experience of not finishing the 40 days where I was like, there was something about the altar space that wasn't like, there's something about it. I'm like, well, I've, I clean, I cleanse it, like I smoke, cleanse it every single time, right?
And I'm just like, okay, it's not that like maybe I didn't need to clean it. And I was like, but it's not that. And then I realized, I was like, oh, my ancestors. because last year, right around Dia de [00:24:00] Los Muertos, I got a really big urge, a yearning, a call to connect with my ancestors. And I was in a container called Ascension to Queendom of, um, that was made by Makhosi of the Royal Shaman.
Um, she held a class that month, earlier that month, or was September maybe. Anyway, right before Dia de Los Muertos, Makhosi had held a class about the ancestral altar and, you know, and with her tradition and her knowledge as to like how to do it and what to do and all of this, and I was like, dude, it's time for me to do this.
Like, I know I need to do this. And so she had that class and I was like, yeah, I need, I need to start reaching out to my family to gather, um, pictures of my ancestors. And so I started doing that, and then Dia de Los Muertos came around and my daughter Lily was like, so interested in all of this. She wanted to go down here in San Diego where I live, there's a huge celebration.
There's a march in all of this around different spots, um, in [00:25:00] San Diego. and especially in this one neighborhood, like, I'm like, do, okay, next year we're definitely gonna go, but also I wanna create my own altar that's like, you know, um, traditional to my culture. And so anyway, I was like, this is interesting.
This is very, it's, it's very clear that I need to connect with my ancestors. Um, and so I started gathering pictures and then like, I stopped and then the holidays happened, and then I was, you know, was seeing my grandma again. I'm like, grandma, I need pictures, blah, blah, blah. So I slowly started gathering the pictures, but I hadn't fully like, welcomed them into my altar space.
And so when New Year's came around, I wa and I was so focused on like the devotional practice and just like being in the space.
Even though like I was having a beautiful time there at my alter space doing the devotional practices, I was just like, okay, like something's missing here, I don't know what it is, I don't know, like there's just something's missing. And so, you know, the days went on. Eventually I skipped and then I was [00:26:00] like, oh, something about, you know, my being was just like, no, like stop, just stop.
And then I realized, I'm like, oh my God, my ancestors like. This isn't just about my spiritual practice and how to fill my own well, because I've been doing that for several years now, it's time for me to build my relationship with my ancestors. Yeah? It's not just about me anymore.
It's me connecting with my ancestors and, and having a deeper relationship with them. And so that was just so clear. Clear as day, I was just like, oh, okay. That was probably another factor as to why it was so just like, just stop. Stop doing the devotional practices cuz there's something else for me here to experience that's just like, it's time for you to do this.
Do it in this way. And so when I realized that, I was like, okay. Like, oh shit. No wonder. So I got the pictures. Um, I'm looking at my ultra right over here. And yeah, I started more and more gathering them. I've already like, sat with them [00:27:00] once and Wow, what a difference. I was like, holy crap. Like, this is so beautiful.
And so after that first time, um, I gathered more pictures and I'm, I think I need to get one more picture for me to feel like, okay, like now I want to, um, start again, one, on the devotional practice, but I'm gonna bring it down to 10 days. Yeah? Cuz I, I wanna be kind to myself. I wanna still allow myself to expand, change, shift, evolve, do new things.
But I don't wanna push myself over the edge. Right? I don't wanna throw myself into something that I, my nervousness and something about me is just like having to overprotect. And push away the things that I know I'm meant to experience. And also on that note, Blu had said like, okay, no technology.
Like she keeps her phone on airplane. And so then she does this time lapse so that she records it and shares it on Instagram and that's how everybody kind of like, you know, they share theirs and tag her and blah, blah, blah. Um, and [00:28:00] it's really cool and I totally understand why she does that. Yet, that first Sunday that came around I decided to do this, something called a Sunday service within this like medicine church that I go to, yeah, that I'm connected with. I'll say. Um, they have a virtual zoom session every Sunday and they sing medicine songs together and, you know, just, it's a really beautiful gathering.
And so I started doing that every Sunday. Um, but that, that particular Sunday was the first Sunday in the devotional practice. And even though Blu has said like, you know, minimal contact with technology when you're in your sacred practice, um, I was just like, you know what? Like I feel really called to have my devotional practice be in community even though it's virtual, even though I'm on the screen the whole time and all of this.
Like, it just felt right. Yeah? It just felt right. And I'm like, I want this devotional practice to be in community. And even though technology, you know, it can be detrimental to our health. I wanna dedicate this piece of [00:29:00] technology to this devotional practice that helps me keep connected with this sacred community.
And it just felt right. And so I just followed my intuition. And it was really beautiful and like even in that particular Sunday service, the person that was hosting it, she was talking about her own devotional practice that wasn't from Blu of Earth or anything.
This was like years ago. And she had did this devotional practice with somebody else and they shared a song that was a devotional song and it's, it's dedicated to devotion. And she's sang it. She's like, I just feel really called to sing it. And I was just like, oh my God. Of course you did. And it was just so beautiful.
And so I'm just like, you know what? Like even though some of us may feel called to do a challenge or do this new thing and all of this, like, I just want to encourage you to allow yourself to feel into your body to be like, okay, I'm dedicated to this thing, yet this little part of [00:30:00] it is like, I, I actually wanna do it this way.
And there's something about it. You might not know what it is at first, but it's like, I just wanna encourage you to honor that. You know what I mean? Like, the devotional practices for me, were not 40 minutes. Okay. And I'm fine with that. I'm just like, you know what mom life like maybe Yeah. I'm putting, I'm blaming a mom life for it, but like, I'm just, you know what? My capacity had 10 minutes today and I'm totally okay with that.
I say it's okay to adapt things that help meet your needs. You know what I mean? That help, like, you know what I only have today, I can do 10 minutes. And while it is really beautiful to try to stretch ourselves past that comfort zone also, there are times I feel like, okay, there's three phases.
Roughly that we can experience in terms of like how regulated or dysregulated our nervous systems can be. Now there can be the times where it's just like, you know what? I can barely [00:31:00] handle life and I just need to take care of myself. I just need to tend to myself. Yeah, I need to give back to myself. I need to rest.
I need to eat nourishing foods. I need a break. All of this, right? And it's like I don't have the capacity to extend myself any further. And that's okay. Yeah, you need more yin, you need more self-care. And that's beautiful. And then there's a second phase where, it's like, I'm s I'm kind of, I have more resiliency, right?
I'm more resourced like, actually I can give a little more here. My capacity has broadened and I can give back a little more. Yeah, I can, I can push the edges a little bit further. And then there's the third realm where it's like, oh my God, I'm so resourced and I'm feeling like on top of the world and yeah, I'm gonna do that extra mile on my walk, or I'm gonna, you know what I mean?
Like, I was doing these tutorial videos one day and I just did it for like eight hours straight, basically. I mean, I had like lunch, you know, and I did potty breaks, but I was just like, dude, I have like this huge momentum behind me right now, and I have the [00:32:00] capacity this broader capacity than usual to like do this thing, so I'm just gonna go for it.
Right? And that's cool too. And so I just wanted to share that with you because we can be in those, a mixture of those realms, even all three in a single day. And it's okay. Yeah? And so it's like, you know what? I think it's worth it to be kinder to ourselves, to be honest with ourselves and just check in with ourselves and be like, where am I at?
What do I need? How can this feel a lot more enjoyable where I feel like I'm honoring my needs? And if I have that extra umph to like push myself a little more, then that's cool too. Yeah? But if we're constantly pushing and asking more of ourselves and more of ourselves and more of ourselves, and it's just like, dude, whoa.
Like I'm not a fucking machine. You know what I mean? We are of nature and we have cyclical ebbs and flows, and that's beautiful. I really made this devotional practice my own, and I am just so much more happier [00:33:00] about it, honestly. And I really think it's behind, it's the intention behind it, where it's like, okay, maybe I have more capacity to like do 40 minutes and push myself more, and that might be good for a week. It might be good for two weeks, and you might get a lot out of it. And then something might come up, life might happen, and it's like, you know what? Like I can do 20 minutes or one day, I just need a break.
You know what I mean? And I just need to like curl up and just like be with myself and comfort myself. Yeah. Um, and yeah,
So, yeah, I just really wanted to share that turning point for myself where I shifted from, you know, holding this perspective that I'm sabotaging myself again and, ah, fuck. Like, why do I do this every time? And, you know, it's like this, just like I'm really getting down on myself versus like, oh, wait a minute, I'm overprotecting myself.
What's going on here? Like, questioning myself listening and not being like, I'm [00:34:00] in trouble, right? I'm just, I'm overprotective. It's kind of like that, uh, overprotective mom, you know, that overprotective parent and it's just like too much and overbearing and it's like, dude, relax, like it's gonna be okay.
And so it's helpful to like, recognize it and be like, whoa, okay. Like, what's, what's going on here? Why do you feel this way? And okay, like, I see, I can understand where that's coming from yet, I really don't think it's that serious or that bad or that severe, whatever it is.
I really don't think this horrible thing, you know, sometimes we can think of like the worst case scenario that could come up and it's like, okay, that's a possibility. But also, I don't want that to just run my life. Right? Okay, like I also hold this other possibility that it could be fucking amazing and I can get a lot out of this.
So how can I meet in the middle, right? Like, how can I meet my need, help calm down that [00:35:00] overprotective mechanism, give some safety to myself, nourish myself, comfort myself. And then it's like, oh, okay, actually this is fine. Yeah. Maybe ah, oh, maybe we can do a little more of this. Yeah? , and I think that to me is just such a healthier relationship that I'm cultivating within myself.
And I feel like Yeah, I just feel like it's more attentive. It reminds me of the moments where I get down on my knees to like be eye level with my daughter and I just like have this moment of like, I'm listening and can you talk about this?
And like, how do you feel like, oh, okay, I can see, like if I were you, I'd probably feel that way too. You know, if I was in this state and had this worry or whatever, I was frustrated or like, I really want this and this happened and I couldn't have it, it's like, okay, I can see how you feel that way. And I realized how helpful it was in my relationship with my daughter that [00:36:00] I was like, how about I do that to myself? Right? And so you can play with that and just see, you know, this is, this is just my experience. I just wanna share my experience and what's worked for me.
It's just something for you to try on and if it doesn't work or you have your own twist to it, like that's beautiful. But it's like we don't really ever get to the moments where we get more clarity or we better understand ourselves, or we realize actually that's not what I really want until, you know, we have that experience.
And another thing that I wanna share is that, after noticing the benefits of having that kind of experience and dialogue with my daughter and then applying it to myself and being like, oh, actually this does feel good, like, this works for me. And actually seeing the benefits and how far I've come in life, and what I'm allowing myself to open up to even more,
I then started noticing that in other people. Like I started paying attention to mentors and coaches where I'm just like, do they have that, do they have [00:37:00] that characteristic and that skill and that mindset and that way of being about them, because I'm like, okay, if another coach that I'm looking up to and like wanting to get support from has that self sabotaging mentality going on where it's more like punishment and, you know what I mean, looking down upon the situation, then like, that's not gonna work for me either, cuz I don't wanna be treated that way.
Right? I want a coach, I want a mentor, I want support from somebody that has that like attentive, understanding, compassionate. And ultimately I just feel safer with them. Yeah? My daughter felt safer with me. I began feeling safer with myself, and now I feel safer with another person that I'm inviting into my life and being like, Hey, let's do this thing together. I want your help. Please help me. And I actually feel safe with them.
Dude! That's where it's at! It really is. And now it's inspired me to also be that [00:38:00] person for others. Yeah? To have that kind of relationship, that kind of support system for another person if they so wish to hire me as a coach. I just felt really called to share this because it's really helped me better understand like why I do the things I do and how to better support myself in a loving way, in a compassionate way, in a way where I'm just like, dude, I got, I got me.
You know what I mean? I got my back. Um, and yeah, so I'm gonna give this devotional practice a shot. Um, I really wanna get my, that one last picture on my altar and then I'm probably gonna do a 10 day devotional practice. See how that goes. Still doing it in my own way. Whether I'm just, I'm just pulling cards or, you know, sitting with my ancestors giving offerings, or honestly, I, a lot of the times it's very intuitive.
Sometimes all of a sudden I'm like, it's like, pull a card, grab that deck, pull a card. Or it's like all of a sudden I feel a song coming through and I'll grab my frame drum, you know, I mean, depending on the time of day, I don't do, I [00:39:00] don't do that early in the morning or late at night because, you know, bedtime for my little, so yeah.
But, um, I'm very excited. It feels good now, especially my ancestors up over there chillin. Yeah. I'm super stoked. So I'll let you know how that goes and, um, if you see me sharing those in my stories on Instagram, then you'll, you'll know what's up. Um, and if you wanna join me in this particular devotional practice, then yeah, let's do it.
It's free. Do it however you want. Of course there might be guidelines. Guidelines are always helpful, right? I'm not saying like, just throw all the rules out the window. Like, it's nice to have that structure, and also honor yourself, right? Yeah. Okay. So I hope this was helpful. Um, if you wanna share any of your thoughts or whatever came up for you, you can always reach out to me on Instagram, up in the dms. That'd be super cool.
if you're interested in having like that one-on-one [00:40:00] support and hiring a coach and having them by your side, then definitely stay tuned because I'm creating a three month coaching package right now. I'm figuring out the framework and all of that. But it's gonna be catered towards conscious moms and helping them regulate their nervous system so that they can really, you know, step up in the next level of their motherhood and their passion and their purpose and, and all of that.
Um, so. Yes, that'll be coming soon. Um, but if you'd like to get on the interest list so that you'll be the first to know when it's available, because I'll probably only have three spots available and once they fill up, then I gotta close it down until a spot opens up and then I'll be able to reach out again.
Um, then definitely reach out to me. You can also get on a connection call. It's like a free 30 minute call and we can talk about, you know, what you need and what you really want and how I can best support you and all of that. So yes, all of the links for that is below and you can always reach out to me in the dms and [00:41:00] yeah. All right. So I'm going to catch you in the next episode, and I hope you have a beautiful day. Okay. Bye
